[The Devil, carrying a clipboard, descends from stairs amid swirling smoke and screams of anguish. The Devil looks at the audience and starts his speech:]
Hello, nice to see you all again.
Now, as the more perceptive of you have probably realised by now, this is Hell, and I am the Devil. Good evening. You can call me Toby, if you like – we try and keep things informal here, as well as infernal. That’s just a little joke.
Now, you’re all here for eternity, which I hardly need tell you is a very of a long time, so you get to know everyone pretty well by the end, but for now I’m going to have to split you up into groups. Right, let’s split you up then. CAN YOU HEAR ME AT THE RACK?
All right, off we go …Murderers, over here. Looters and pillagers – over there please, thieves if you could join them, and bank managers …
Fornicators, if you could step forward – my God there are a lot of you. Could I split you up into adulterers and the rest? Adulterers if you could just form a line in front of that small guillotine there.
Okay …Americans, are you here? Look, I’m sorry about this, apparently God had some fracas with your founding fathers and damned the entire race into perpetuity. He sends particular condolences to the Mormons who He realises put in a lot of work. That’s the way the wafer crumbles.
Sodomites, over there against the wall. Atheists! Atheists? Over here please. You must be feeling a right bunch of charlies.Okay, and Christians! Christians? Ah yes, I’m sorry, I’m afraid the Jews were right. Everyone who saw Monty Python’s “Life of Brian” – I’m afraid He can’t take a joke after all.
Are there any questions? Yes?
Um, no, I’m afraid we don’t have any toilets. If you’d read your Bible you would have seen that it was damnation without relief. So, if you didn’t go before you came then I’m afraid you’re not going to enjoy yourself very much … but then, I believe that’s the idea. And I’d just like to leave you with a favourite joke of mine, if I may. Quite apt to the circumstances, I think, which goes something like:
“Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Death.
Death wh…”
